Trust No One - No Need to Verify

One thing I am learning over time, is that as much as I would like to change one of my habits, I don’t see me doing so. No matter how hard I try to, and tell myself I need to change this habit, I just can’t see it. This is the bad habit I have of not trusting anyone, and at times I want to be different, but the reality is, it’s easier being this way.

If you read anything I wrote, you’d of noted that I have been through a lot in life. Biological mother walked away, father was abusive, biological sister’s sole focus is on putting herself in the spotlight. Time after time, I have learned, or rather become accustomed to, is that if I can’t depend on family, who can I depend on?

Long ago, I used this same environment to be a not so nice person. I roamed the world being angry and confrontational. There is little I hadn’t seen. Homelessness? Been there. Group homes/foster homes? Been there. Selling drugs on the street to survive? Been there (more on that later). It is just a way that I have been: “Trust but verify” Much like Ronald Reagan, people that have come into my life always had the same outcome to me. So my theme became "Trust No One - No Need to Verity"

I am not the guy I was many years ago. I don’t want to hurt anyone else in this life, and I spend many nights even still having conversations in my head asking for forgiveness from those I have wronged. I do this for my own peace of mind. However, I need to maintain the trust but verify demeanor.

It has been a repeat scenario over time: “I love you” followed by someone either disappearing, lying, or doing a complete 360 about face. I am not mad at anyone but myself for letting my guard down. I know I shouldn’t be this way, but right now is definitely not the time to change.

Sometimes I fantasize about someone people able to rip out my heart, and mind, and understanding that I aim to be a good person. I try to be, and like everyone in the world, I can have my moments. This I recognize, and one thing I do not try to do, is point fingers: “You said this…” or “You said that.” I’d rather say nothing and walk away. At the end of the day, someone is either going to see it or not. I spoke about silos elsewhere in my words.

Anyway, I will switch this around to music. Yes, yoday is music day again. Think I will make this a once per week theme. Music helps me cope with so many situations, as mentioned in other posts, I can find a song for any single situation I face. Anger, happiness, silliness, you name it I can pick dozens of songs within songs. Many of the songs I listen to, I tend to choose based on the quality of the meaning. What? Songs can say so much yet so little. I have found some of the simplest songs have the deepest meanings, for example: “Woman” by John Lennon. The lyrics are so simple that a teenager could have written it however, the meaning is so impactful.

I will start with “Regrets Only” by Tomax. Coincidentally, I met Tomax many times as he was one of my older brother’s friend. 

Lyrics: Tormented by the heart / it’s tearing me apart / I guess that’s what they told me it would be / in the end / sad and lonely / Regrets only”

Such a beautiful song that you likely never heard, nor heard of. Then comes “As You Held Me” another song you likely never heard, nor heard of: (second verse)

We were one in my mind

And how it seemed everlasting

You would always be mine

It’s just a game you played

You led my heart astray

You wakened me from my dreams

And I - won’t you why

You say you just couldn’t tell me

All along you had another

You played make believe

While my heart lay asleep

How could you lie to me

Another awesome song. But alas, don’t feel like typing anymore. Until next time.