Forever Is Very Close to Never

Today I am feeling a lot better. It all started yesterday as 1) I returned to work so there is little time to ruminate and 2) I just kept getting good news one by one. I need to remain humble even though I was floored by news after news. It’s amazing how the course of a few weeks have caused me to go from extreme to extreme. Bad news, bad news, horrible news, anniversary of the death of my son... Things come, and things go.

Each day I’ve tried to meditate as much as possible, and even though it’s difficult under current conditions at time, but I still do my best to find something (anything) to smile about. Today, it was a hitchhiking lizard. Can’t make it up. Had to slow my car to a stop, ease the little lizard off the car so I wouldn’t feel bad about him falling to his death or something. Years ago, I would have just driven at a higher speed and done away with the lizard, but I've been trying anything and everything to stay grounded.

Emotionally right I am just calm. Happy, humble, yet sad. Accepting things one moment at a time. I could go sideways thinking about what should have, could have, would have been, but it would pointless. Enjoy the moment, the sky, the air, the sounds. I try bringing myself back into the moment when I ruminate about the past. It’s done, nothing changes it. Repeat after me, nothing in this universe can change it. You live, you learn, and you move on as best as possible. Repeat after me, it is also ok to be sad. Trying to hide this will fester and do more harm than good. 

Even with all the good news, I still find myself sort of reverting to music that places me in a thinkative state. Unsure if this is always a good thing, but no matter what the song, I realize how I guide my thoughts, is what matters. Today? Forever by Nicole Daniels.

Such a beautiful song. Beautiful, depressing, but a reminder, nothing is forever.