Crooked Bricks - The Mistakes I Made

Another day is passing me by, and I am trying very hard to cope without you. I am trying to smile at the times you were graceful enough to give to me, and am trying to use it to keep me aligned with sanity. It is very very difficult as I want to break down, yet I know you want to break down also. This does not help me at all, this burdens me even more than I am burdened. I look at your pictures and immediately being getting teary eyed. I look at your videos just to hear your voice, it is the voice of calm for me. It is a voice that I may not hear again, and this breaks me down. I stop, I start, I listen, I turn off, I look, I look away, and am drowning in my thoughts trying to stay afloat. Selfish. This is a constant theme of what I am feeling right now. Selfish for wanting so much knowing I destroyed things to begin with. 

I keep thinking, and keep realizing I made a mistake, I did something stupid… Horribly stupid, and even more so, was not even cognizant of the level of my mistake. I sit here, and accept that mistakes are a part of life, sometimes there is nothing that can be done but accept the mistake. Reality is odd, if there were no mistakes life would be boring… Mistakes can add beauty to life, and they can destroy life. Imagine building a wall with dozens and hundreds of bricks. While building the wall, you make two or three mistakes but don’t notice when until after the wall is built. The wall although solid contains a mistake, but the wall still stands. Do you focus on the two or three bad bricks, or do you take notice of the rest of the wall. The remaining 900 bricks.

Perhaps I am being difficult with myself. Maybe adding an unnecessary burden on myself, but I can’t help it right now. I am trying to fight through it but it is difficult because I go back to missing you so much, then telling myself I caused this, then being hopeful, then feeling like letting go, then feeling as if I am walking blind. Back to ruminations I guess, I will focus on trying to adapt to it as opposed to controlling it. This is out of my control presently, yet it isn’t, I know not what to do, other than think about you, about the kids, about life, about time and how quickly it passes us by.