Dealing with Deaths
Every day I struggle with not being able to hear, see, or talk to my son. I struggle with thinking about what could have been with the other children I have lost over time. It is enough to break the most strongest persons in the world, yet every day I deal with my emotions. I focus internally and remind myself that life is not guaranteed. Often, I use the experience as a guideline to enable me to enjoy the moment, right here, right now. But I am human, I have my pains, I have my thoughts, I have my flaws.
Barely do I talk about the experience with anyone, and this isn't a good thing. I keep to myself for multiple reasons. 1) I don't want anyone else to suffer the same pains, so I keep my words minimal. 2) I don't want anyone to be able to discover any weaknesses to target me with. 3) I don't want to break down in front of anyone. It is always a difficult juggling act.
Holidays come, holidays go, and they mean little to me nowadays. No matter how much I try to smile, no matter how content of a mood I try to create, the memories come crashing down, and I am right back to square one. Feeling sad. I don't like feeling like this, and I have been trying to overcome this obstacle for some time.
So I sit here writing out my thoughts. Not a person can identify who I am, which makes it easier for me to consume, digest, and release myself from my some of these mental states. My days are filled with highs and lows now more often filled with lows, as I destroyed what was the most loving, compassionate relationship I ever experienced. I will try to rebuild, and my thoughts are that I will never see you again, so it pains me most times to attempt to even move further. Yet I made a promise to myself I would do everything I could to make things right. I am just wishing on a star that you will be there with me.
The death of my relationship is now a struggle. Although it does not have the same impact per-se, the feeling is much similar. Distress, sadness, anger, an overwhelming sense of regret and "what may have been." For this death, I have myself to blame, my inefficient actions, my selfish actions. I write to remind myself, I write in hopes that throughout the lights in the universe, you stumble on this, and just "know" that I mean you SD.
Barely do I talk about the experience with anyone, and this isn't a good thing. I keep to myself for multiple reasons. 1) I don't want anyone else to suffer the same pains, so I keep my words minimal. 2) I don't want anyone to be able to discover any weaknesses to target me with. 3) I don't want to break down in front of anyone. It is always a difficult juggling act.
Holidays come, holidays go, and they mean little to me nowadays. No matter how much I try to smile, no matter how content of a mood I try to create, the memories come crashing down, and I am right back to square one. Feeling sad. I don't like feeling like this, and I have been trying to overcome this obstacle for some time.
So I sit here writing out my thoughts. Not a person can identify who I am, which makes it easier for me to consume, digest, and release myself from my some of these mental states. My days are filled with highs and lows now more often filled with lows, as I destroyed what was the most loving, compassionate relationship I ever experienced. I will try to rebuild, and my thoughts are that I will never see you again, so it pains me most times to attempt to even move further. Yet I made a promise to myself I would do everything I could to make things right. I am just wishing on a star that you will be there with me.
The death of my relationship is now a struggle. Although it does not have the same impact per-se, the feeling is much similar. Distress, sadness, anger, an overwhelming sense of regret and "what may have been." For this death, I have myself to blame, my inefficient actions, my selfish actions. I write to remind myself, I write in hopes that throughout the lights in the universe, you stumble on this, and just "know" that I mean you SD.
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