My Salvation My Damnation
A couple of months ago, I went through a very bad stage in life. It drove me to the point where suicide was a couple of minutes away. I will try to go back to the pain, to document what I was feeling at the time. It began on a Friday, the outgoing disaster that was called my wife had packed her bags and left. This was after I had her served with an order of protection for all types of insanity. I was happy she was leaving, and began talking to someone that served in my son's military platoon. I was hearing stories of what kind of man my son was, and it made me both happy, and sad. Sad because he passed away.
During the course of the night, I received a phone call from someone threatening to kill me. Big deal, I didn't care, but figured it had something to do with the soon to be ex walking out. I figured I would get everything documented, so I called the police to try to file a complaint. Doing what I thought was the right thing was all I kept in my mind. This was a Friday, more or less around 11PM or so. My phone kept sounding off text messages and mail, I didn't want to bother so I ignored it and kept drinking beer.
Waking up on Saturday morning, I kept thinking about my son, and reached back out to his military buddy and listened to a few more stories. I became sadder and sadder throughout the day, so I started drinking early (circa 2-3PM). I began making music, talking with other people in his squad, becoming sadder. All the while my phone kept notifying me of email, and messages. I paid it no mind. As night came, it must of been somewhere near 1am or 2am, I was wondering why my phone was constantly getting emails and messages. It was a Saturday.
My heart was skipping beats. As I looked at the text messages, the notifications were from my credit card company. Charge after charge, after charge. I was now the victim of what would be a total of about 16,000.00 worth of fraud. Saddened by my son, angered by the fraud, the death threats, I decided to go get something to eat from Sonic, so I could get on the phone with the credit card companies. Ordered my food, went to pay... Denied. My debit which just had about 3,300 or so was just declined. I had JUST used the card earlier in the day to withdraw money, so I know what my balance was. Confused I went to an ATM. The result? Empty.
At this point I was beyond tired, drained, angry, sad. All these emotions rolled up in one. I just wanted to be left alone, and no matter how nicely or by the book I tried, it did not work. Went back home and drank myself to sleep. Waking up on Sunday? Very difficult for me. Waking up I remember feeling: "What the hell am I even doing here. Why do I even bother." I tried to shake the feeling, but kept thinking about my son. The pain I felt from guilt, the pain I felt from sadness. I told myself I suffered enough. Went to the garage to start the car feeling I would die from the fumes.
While the car was running, you (SD) came to mind. I needed to be with you, I wanted to be with you, yet all I could feel was pain, I didn't want you to know these pains. I didn't want anyone feeling the kinds of pains I had that day. I sat around drinking beer after beer, followed by liquor, followed by beer. I told myself "just one more beer and I am ready to go." Yet as I drank I became even sadder about my actions. I decided I had to see you one last time. Packed up some quick clothes, and headed on a drive over 1100 miles just to see you. You saved my life. You are my salvation. Yet here I am now, without you, which is my damnation. Something I caused out of the same irrational thoughts.
It seems as if I am forever going to be in a loop that I try to break. When I am nice, stepped on, mean stepped on. Sometimes I feel as I am continuously getting off of a merry-go-round and am dizzy. Obviously my last post for the night, I wanted to get most of it off my mind for now, as I try to go back and forth at my pains to try to let them go once and for all. I do this for you, I do this for me. I deserve to be happy, we all do, and I have to find a way to stop shortchanging myself in this life. I am content now, still sad, but content there is a possibility... Quote of the day... "It doesn't matter what happens in life, it's what you make out of it..." Ajahn Brahm.
During the course of the night, I received a phone call from someone threatening to kill me. Big deal, I didn't care, but figured it had something to do with the soon to be ex walking out. I figured I would get everything documented, so I called the police to try to file a complaint. Doing what I thought was the right thing was all I kept in my mind. This was a Friday, more or less around 11PM or so. My phone kept sounding off text messages and mail, I didn't want to bother so I ignored it and kept drinking beer.
Waking up on Saturday morning, I kept thinking about my son, and reached back out to his military buddy and listened to a few more stories. I became sadder and sadder throughout the day, so I started drinking early (circa 2-3PM). I began making music, talking with other people in his squad, becoming sadder. All the while my phone kept notifying me of email, and messages. I paid it no mind. As night came, it must of been somewhere near 1am or 2am, I was wondering why my phone was constantly getting emails and messages. It was a Saturday.
My heart was skipping beats. As I looked at the text messages, the notifications were from my credit card company. Charge after charge, after charge. I was now the victim of what would be a total of about 16,000.00 worth of fraud. Saddened by my son, angered by the fraud, the death threats, I decided to go get something to eat from Sonic, so I could get on the phone with the credit card companies. Ordered my food, went to pay... Denied. My debit which just had about 3,300 or so was just declined. I had JUST used the card earlier in the day to withdraw money, so I know what my balance was. Confused I went to an ATM. The result? Empty.
At this point I was beyond tired, drained, angry, sad. All these emotions rolled up in one. I just wanted to be left alone, and no matter how nicely or by the book I tried, it did not work. Went back home and drank myself to sleep. Waking up on Sunday? Very difficult for me. Waking up I remember feeling: "What the hell am I even doing here. Why do I even bother." I tried to shake the feeling, but kept thinking about my son. The pain I felt from guilt, the pain I felt from sadness. I told myself I suffered enough. Went to the garage to start the car feeling I would die from the fumes.
While the car was running, you (SD) came to mind. I needed to be with you, I wanted to be with you, yet all I could feel was pain, I didn't want you to know these pains. I didn't want anyone feeling the kinds of pains I had that day. I sat around drinking beer after beer, followed by liquor, followed by beer. I told myself "just one more beer and I am ready to go." Yet as I drank I became even sadder about my actions. I decided I had to see you one last time. Packed up some quick clothes, and headed on a drive over 1100 miles just to see you. You saved my life. You are my salvation. Yet here I am now, without you, which is my damnation. Something I caused out of the same irrational thoughts.
It seems as if I am forever going to be in a loop that I try to break. When I am nice, stepped on, mean stepped on. Sometimes I feel as I am continuously getting off of a merry-go-round and am dizzy. Obviously my last post for the night, I wanted to get most of it off my mind for now, as I try to go back and forth at my pains to try to let them go once and for all. I do this for you, I do this for me. I deserve to be happy, we all do, and I have to find a way to stop shortchanging myself in this life. I am content now, still sad, but content there is a possibility... Quote of the day... "It doesn't matter what happens in life, it's what you make out of it..." Ajahn Brahm.
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