Remembering to Forgive

Last week you had asked if I had forgiven myself for things I had done. Over time, I have tried. I have tried to let go of most of the pains that others have caused, and that I have cause. Often times, we seek to justify our lashing out: "Well if person X hadn't done this to me..." Reflecting back, there are a few things that I have tried to let go of, tried to forgive others for, and there are things that I have done in life, that I have a conversation with myself about. It is really difficult as the little voices inside seek to push towards a "justification." For example: "I would have never done this had this person..." when in the end, I am no better for not being able to man up to my actions and thoughts.

Forgiveness is a blessing, and a curse. It is a blessing when one can do it properly, it is a curse to learn HOW to do it properly, when addressing the self. Humbly sitting here, I am ashamed for a lot of actions, and pains I have caused in my own life, and in the lives of others. I want to be different, I want to let go, and although most times I am good doing so, many times I fall flat. I can have a dozen conversations with myself, and much like a child, I often sit around hoping things go my way. This is not life, and I need to change this.

There is nothing more in life that I would love to have more than clarity. It could help me lead a better more fulfilling life. It would help me overcome some of my fears, desires, and place into perspective life as a whole. My life consists of wanting to do the right thing. Wanting to correct my wrongs, wanting to be with you. There are surely a lot of wants however, I NEED to be able to start to focus. I need to be able to focus to get things corrected. Then and only then would I be happy. Then and only then, may I have the opportunity to keep even you happy. So very difficult to do when all I feel is that I am a burden.

I sit around in a trance like state hoping my words transcend life, electrons, light, and make it to your eyes. Not only make it to your eyes, but enable you to know that I am sorry for my shortcomings, I apologize for my transgressions, apologize for the pains that I have caused. Can I forgive myself? Over time I may, but as of right now the truth is that I like you, am in a lot of pain. I am in a lot of sorrow. I am in pain and sorrow that I caused myself. No one else did. This is the epiphany I learned today. No one caused me pain no matter what they did to me. My ruminations marinated and spilled over. The mess is mine to clean. Mine and mine alone.