Shattered Glass

Sitting around thinking about my actions completely breaks me down. I am supposed to be with you right now. I am supposed to be laying down with you, smiling with you, hugging you, living life with you and the kids. This is not (pain) how life is supposed to be, yet here it is… The truckload of shit. I am trying to very hard to do productive things with it, no one saw the truck coming, no one is coming to pick it up, yet here it is. Here it is, but I delivered it inadvertently. Now that it is here, I have to deal with it. The pains I cause you were sharp, I never meant to, my mind was weak, and my actions were selfish. There is no amount of apology that can remove the pain, there can only be moving forward, remembering this was all my fault. One of the key things I am trying to focus on is not ruminating, but focusing on what I need to do to rebuild. While I would love to be there for you right now, I would give my soul for it, the reality is, I can’t and it pains me to the core. Focusing on the second noble truth again… Suffering

The Second Noble Truth is that all suffering is caused by craving. When we look at psychological suffering, it is easy to see how it is caused by craving. When we want something but are unable to get it, we feel frustrated. When we expect someone to live up to our expectation and they do not, we feel let down and disappointed. When we want others to like us and they don't, we feel hurt. Even when we want something and are able to get it, this does not often lead to happiness either because it is not long before we feel bored with that thing, lose interest in it and commence to want something else. Put simply, the Second Noble Truth says that getting what you want does not guarantee happiness. Rather than constantly struggling to get what you want, try to modify your wanting. Wanting deprives us of contentment and happiness.

Trying to grasp this becomes complicated, I am suffering because I caused you to suffer. I don’t know how to quite tackle this. While I crave to see you, I am saddened to the possibility I will never see you again. I am hopeful we can overcome this, but I don’t want to set any expectations, this will keep me in a continual loop of pain and suffering. That part I can overcome (expectation) but I haven’t figured out how to overcome the suffering of causing you to suffer. Being the reason you cannot smile and be happy, but rather wake in a world of pain. I wish I could wave a wand and do away with it. I think walking away would do away with that pain, but it will not, it will introduce more pains. This circular chain of events is cutting, depressing, and disappointing, I am unsure how to tackle it, so I am trying to focus on moving forward as best as possible to do what I need to do to end the suffering and make things whole again. But what exactly is whole? To me whole means waking to you, being with you, which is an expectation. The paradox. 

“You see this goblet?” asks Ajahn Chah, the Thai Buddhist master. “For me this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious.”

I wish I had read this long ago. I miss you and love you so very much SD.