Straddling the Pain
I sit very sad knowing my actions caused you harm, caused your family harm, destroyed everything. I sit around thinking about what to do to make things right, and my mind is drawing a blank. Could I call anyone, tell them I am long gone. Should I disappear from your life. I feel worthless, but at the same time hopeful that I can one day make things better.
I sit here on the porch listening to the chaos. There are dogs barking, and it is thundering. Rain falls on to the roof spattering along with the other noise. It is chaos, yet it is calm. More and more, I think about what to do. I want to scream, but no one would hear me, even if they did, everyone is in their own silos. They each have their own worlds, their own pains.
I sit around thinking about life. I think about some of the awful things I have been through. For too long, I have let them anchor me mentally. Although I thought I had a hold on them, reality being what it is, subliminally, I never let them go. Those pains created angers, and ill advised defenses I put up to protect me from what I perceived as everyone. In the end, they were my downfall.
I sit around typing here right now not knowing whether the one person in this life, I'd come to love, will ever hold me again, look in my eyes again. Smile at me. I've cause this pain, and I don't know how to reverse it. For all the knowledge, common sense, wisdom I have gained through the years, when it mattered most, I failed not only her, but myself. "You made your bed, you lie in it."
I sit around wondering what to do next. Although my life feels empty and over, I want to hold on to hope, but feel as if I am a candle that has been buying, and now the wick is simply holding on by sheer will. I don't know how to feel at this point. I am sad, fearful, depressed, yet there is a glimmer of hope.
I sit around now trying to convey what is in my mind, hoping one day to revisit these posts. Hoping to revisit them during a better time in life. I am unsure this will occur, life moves as it wants, and sometimes the directions we would like for life to take are blown off course by natural and artificial disasters. In this case, the disaster was me.
I sit around wishing I could hold you so deeply close to me, apologetically kissing your forehead. Telling you I am sorry. Mentally I was weak even though I thought I had a hold of my traumas. I am human, and I feel like a monster. I sit here looking for the words to illustrate how much you mean to be, but the light of a million stars could not bring forth that truth. It is there, and I feel it, yet you would never know. Those are my thoughts for the day. Walking through an unlit road, wondering if you will ever be along destination.
I sit here on the porch listening to the chaos. There are dogs barking, and it is thundering. Rain falls on to the roof spattering along with the other noise. It is chaos, yet it is calm. More and more, I think about what to do. I want to scream, but no one would hear me, even if they did, everyone is in their own silos. They each have their own worlds, their own pains.
I sit around thinking about life. I think about some of the awful things I have been through. For too long, I have let them anchor me mentally. Although I thought I had a hold on them, reality being what it is, subliminally, I never let them go. Those pains created angers, and ill advised defenses I put up to protect me from what I perceived as everyone. In the end, they were my downfall.
I sit around typing here right now not knowing whether the one person in this life, I'd come to love, will ever hold me again, look in my eyes again. Smile at me. I've cause this pain, and I don't know how to reverse it. For all the knowledge, common sense, wisdom I have gained through the years, when it mattered most, I failed not only her, but myself. "You made your bed, you lie in it."
I sit around wondering what to do next. Although my life feels empty and over, I want to hold on to hope, but feel as if I am a candle that has been buying, and now the wick is simply holding on by sheer will. I don't know how to feel at this point. I am sad, fearful, depressed, yet there is a glimmer of hope.
I sit around now trying to convey what is in my mind, hoping one day to revisit these posts. Hoping to revisit them during a better time in life. I am unsure this will occur, life moves as it wants, and sometimes the directions we would like for life to take are blown off course by natural and artificial disasters. In this case, the disaster was me.
I sit around wishing I could hold you so deeply close to me, apologetically kissing your forehead. Telling you I am sorry. Mentally I was weak even though I thought I had a hold of my traumas. I am human, and I feel like a monster. I sit here looking for the words to illustrate how much you mean to be, but the light of a million stars could not bring forth that truth. It is there, and I feel it, yet you would never know. Those are my thoughts for the day. Walking through an unlit road, wondering if you will ever be along destination.
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