We Don't Lie to Each Other

“We don’t lie to each other!” These words stay resonating in my mind, in my bones. Had I only taken the time to take a step back. Throughout my life, I have become hardened to people. Mother, father, sister, brother. They have all let me down at some point in time. My father being an abusive alcoholic, my mother skipping town, my biological sister forgetting what the meaning of blood meant, my brother by being selfish, and not there whenever I needed him. I learned very early on, people fail, especially those close to you. These things created who I became. Someone that was somewhat paranoid. While I didn’t feel anyone was out to get me, I became skeptical of everyone. For dozens of years, I developed a “strike first” attitude. This enabled me to avoid getting hurt. It enabled me to walk away from any situation without remorse. This was until SD.

Foolishly I continued the approach with SD and I broke her trust multiple times, leading me to where I am now. Here, in my thoughts, alone. When I met SD, I was at a strange crossroads in life, I was weaving myself out of a relationship where the mental abuse was beyond toxic. I had just begun to crawl out of the pits I allowed myself to be buried in. SD made me feel whole again, her compassion, her soul, her presence came fast, and it was overwhelming. I left everything behind chasing a dream of love, compassion, company, feeling a sense of “togetherness” but what I didn’t count on, was that my past would come to haunt me, no matter how much I tried to forgive, and move on from not only the transgressions of others, but from my own transgressions. I know I am not perfect, and often times I would have conversations with myself seeking my own forgiveness for being the way that I am.

“We don’t lie to each other!” Being the skeptic I had become, I broke the third of the of the eight divisions: “Right speech.” I lied to SD for trivial reasons my mind shaped out to be big issues. We as humans have a tendency to do these things, make mountains out of molehills. It cost me bad. It cost me SD, my hopes, my dreams. This led to breaking the first of the eightfold path, right view. If hindsight is 20/20 I wish I could practice to make the eightfold path enable me the same sights such as looking back. I am not there yet.

“We don’t lie to each other!” It is never too late, but at the time, it was too late fo me. I foolishly allowed anger, perhaps jealousy, maybe insecurity to get the best of me. I had no reason to, SD was soulmate, and yet I categorized her foolishly amongst the others. Will it be too late to make amends, while deep down inside I hope not, I feel it is the case. With that said, again, I formulate my thoughts here so that one day I can revisit and hopefully be able to have moved on, and arrived in a better state. I keep replaying those words (We don’t lie to each other) and processing that not only did I let SD down, I let myself down. Had I taken some time to think about life, I had nothing to worry about. However, my past demons got the best of me. Now I stay processing how to remain calm, to handle the moment. While I miss SD so bad, I don’t want to think about what she may be doing, what is she thinking. I hope she is thinking about me, I hope she is doing well, I hope nothing but the best of her, but I feel toxic. I feel like unless I can correct myself, I will be destined to lose yet again.