Why Am I Suffering
It is the first full day that I have not heard from you. The first day of the beginning, of the end I guess, or is it? Today I have been suffering a lot. I suffer for you, for the kids, for myself. My head is in a tailspin as I know not what to do. I tried making plans to get to the state, but my friend is leaving for yet another state on Sunday. Now I am in a bind, more suffering, on top of suffering. "Better to light a candle than complain about the darkness."
So many twists and turns to life this month, so many ups, and so many downs. I sat around thinking more about my faults, not being fully able to let go and forgive. I have tried so much or so I thought I did to forgive others, as well as myself. Initially I felt guilt for my actions, and in retrospect, I have to re-learn how to think: "Guilt is substantially different from remorse. In our culture 'guilty' is a verdict hammered out on hard wood by a judge in a court. And if no one punishes us, we will look to punish ourselves, in some way or another. Guilt means punishment deep in our psyche." Seems like I continue to punish myself.
I revert to my initial thoughts, "why am I suffering?" Any angle I choose is a wrong angle. As in the movie war-games, the best game is not to play. I am suffering because I haven't developed enough mindfulness to pull me out of the cycle. I suffer because I choose to. Life will keep throwing things at me, and at such an overwhelming pace, I wonder if its possible for the majority to deal with the things I have had to deal with. Is it just me that goes through these things?
Why am I suffering? I suffer because I long for you. Attachment. I shouldn't feel this way because I am aware of the attachment, but I am attached because I love you. Is love the cause of suffering? It shouldn't be, I thought it was the cause of happiness. Is the attachment the cause of my suffering? It shouldn't be, we both existed without one another prior to meeting. I can pinpoint exactly why, but I feel something much bigger than attachment to you. I feel an enormous amount of energy being with you. An enormous amount of love much bigger than I can explain.
Why am I suffering? Is it because I can't be with you and the kids right now? Is it because I can't hear you, feel you, touch you, kiss you, cry on your shoulder? I am not sure, I just know this pain will take some time to overcome, and I am running out of methods to think positively.
So many twists and turns to life this month, so many ups, and so many downs. I sat around thinking more about my faults, not being fully able to let go and forgive. I have tried so much or so I thought I did to forgive others, as well as myself. Initially I felt guilt for my actions, and in retrospect, I have to re-learn how to think: "Guilt is substantially different from remorse. In our culture 'guilty' is a verdict hammered out on hard wood by a judge in a court. And if no one punishes us, we will look to punish ourselves, in some way or another. Guilt means punishment deep in our psyche." Seems like I continue to punish myself.
I revert to my initial thoughts, "why am I suffering?" Any angle I choose is a wrong angle. As in the movie war-games, the best game is not to play. I am suffering because I haven't developed enough mindfulness to pull me out of the cycle. I suffer because I choose to. Life will keep throwing things at me, and at such an overwhelming pace, I wonder if its possible for the majority to deal with the things I have had to deal with. Is it just me that goes through these things?
Why am I suffering? I suffer because I long for you. Attachment. I shouldn't feel this way because I am aware of the attachment, but I am attached because I love you. Is love the cause of suffering? It shouldn't be, I thought it was the cause of happiness. Is the attachment the cause of my suffering? It shouldn't be, we both existed without one another prior to meeting. I can pinpoint exactly why, but I feel something much bigger than attachment to you. I feel an enormous amount of energy being with you. An enormous amount of love much bigger than I can explain.
Why am I suffering? Is it because I can't be with you and the kids right now? Is it because I can't hear you, feel you, touch you, kiss you, cry on your shoulder? I am not sure, I just know this pain will take some time to overcome, and I am running out of methods to think positively.
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