Worth the weight… Or was it wait?

Sitting around with nothing but time to think, I began to think about what I perceive as the “weight on my shoulders.” Such a heavy burden I have had to carry over the years. It now strikes me that I never really had to carry this weight, it is something I have done without giving much thought. My burdens carried over because I never took the time to “close” them for good. I solely compartmentalized everything into buckets, and dealt with things when I had the time. More often then not, I let things slip through the cracks unchecked, and never resolved a lot of past problems. They always came back to haunt me.

One of the biggest burdens I carried was that of my son. When my son was younger, I constantly took his mother to court for visitation rights. I remember her, and her then new boyfriend (now husband) attempting to get me arrested stating I had warrants, when I had none. I remember the officer who delivered the subpoena calling the boyfriend an asshole. He didn’t know me from a hole in the wall, and I didn’t know him, or of him either at the time. Court went on over the years, and never got easier. It got to the point where my son was having behavior issues in school, and a therapist (according to hearsay) stated I may be the problem coming in and out of my son’s life. From my perspective, I just wanted to see my son, from every one else’s perspective I was a troublemaker. Forget the fact I never bothered anyone, I just wanted to be with my son.

Over time, I thought: “I will just gracefully take a step away, allow him to do better in school, and when he is ready, he will know I am always here.” Such a naive approach as I didn’t anticipate whatever anyone chose to embed in his mind: “Your dad is not around…”, “Your dad skipped town…” I tried keeping the peace for what I thought was his mental stability. When he passed away, I was beyond crushed, devasted, and there are a ton of other terms I could interchange for the word “dead” (heartbroken, depressed, alone, etc). I blamed everyone and wanted to scorch the earth. I blamed his mother, his stepfather, my sister, his therapist, the United States Marine Corps, and most of all I blamed myself for putting myself second, and settling for what others wanted. This has been the biggest burden for me these past 3 years. It will be three years in October. 

Today I am sitting, and I am thinking about him, but also about the life I have lived, and I am trying to go back piece by piece to remember the bits and pieces of things I compartmentalized, but never resolved. There was so much. My biological mother abandoning us when we were under 4 years old, my father being an abusive alcoholic, a broken justice system, three other babies I had to hold until they took their last breathe. Let’s put that in focus shall we? I grew up with a mother who was abused, her kids taken away, she called child services, threatened to blow up the building if she didn’t get her kids back, then fled. A father that pummeled me only when he was drunk, being shipped in and out of group homes as a teen, running away and sleeping on the streets, supporting myself by not so nice “street” work, losing four children in a 10 year time span. (and that is only 60%). Yet through it all I sit here typing… (Wait... You thought YOU had it bad...)

The horrors of my past, I learned over time how to shove them into silos. Initially I would tell myself I would deal with them over time, as I immersed myself with work, and career. That was my scapegoat… “The show must go on…” I would work, work, and do more work, and the free time I had, I would study to further my career, and when things got bad, and I had more free time, in came the beer to put me to sleep. While I thought I controlled the situation, the reality was, I evaded the situation. Time and time again, until each and every time, I allowed it to creep up and destroy my happiness. (SD). So what have I learned today? I learned that I do have the capacity to let go of the past, albeit it is a temporary solution since I never reconcile it at any point… That stops today though.

Today, I woke up feeling sad again (SD), but at the same time I woke up hopeful. Hopeful that I would make it through the day, and do the things I needed to do. I created a roadmap for myself to take care of things I need to take care of. This includes letting go once and for all of the past. I cannot change it, and wasting time fixating on it does nothing but lead to more depression, sadness, and angst. What was the sudden change of heart? Destruction. I have been destructive to everyone around me, including, and especially myself. I allowed my past to become a scapegoat whenever I needed to subliminally “unload” on someone. For the most part, I try to be as compassionate, and loving as I can possibly be, but I know myself, and I know the darker side of me. It is someone I loathe, someone I despise, someone that concentrates every iota of pain into an outburst. These outbursts have destroyed so much for me. The sadder thing is, whenever I get that far, I tend to black out and remember bits and pieces. I am ashamed of what I allowed myself to become.

So lessons for the day:

Mindfulness - “Remember to clear my head before going to another subject, topic, etc. it only takes minutes to practice being mindful - it will pass” If I let things fester, it will come back to haunt me.

Compassion - “While trying to be as compassionate to others… Don’t forget about yourself. If you aren’t compassionate with yourself, how can you possibly care for another?”

Expectations - “Keep these in check. Do not expect much, as nothing is guaranteed. Be appreciative of the moment, things could be much worse.”

Love - “It comes in many different forms. Love yourself first, otherwise how can you possibly give love to someone else, or experience the love they may be trying to express.”

That is all for now… Unless you like music