Falling off the Sofa

Imagine you are lying down on a sofa. The distance of your fall was a mere two feet. Not a long drop, but enough that it can hurt you. You’re comfortable with your feet up, watching television, and for whatever reason you fall to the floor. You quickly get up, dust yourself off, you may even laugh at it. In any case, you’re not hurt. This is a comforting feeling: “I am ok.”

Imagine you are lying down on a sofa. The distance of your fall was a mere two feet. Not a long drop, but enough that it can hurt you. You’re comfortable with your feet up, watching television, and for whatever reason you fall to the floor. You can’t move as the fall partially paralyzes you. You’re unsure as to whether or not you broke your back, fractured your neck. You just don’t know. The feeling is overwhelming: “I am not ok”

Two people can go through the same events and no two outcomes can be the same. I mentioned before silos (we are living in our own worlds), and just because you fell off the sofa and didn’t get hurt, doesn’t mean that held true for me. We are not the same, and although the height of the sofa is static, our speed to hit the ground was the same, what may have been the same outcome (we both were safe) did not pan out as expected.

One of the things I have at times struggle with is the: “That’s not what I would have done/thought/said” responses when they are told to me. “Why would you do that?” … “Why would you say that?” where the one asking the question believes that we think the same. I fell off the sofa and broke my neck. YOU fell off the same sofa, and brushed it off. See the irony?

Today marks the anniversary of the death of my son. My last child. Normally I would be depressed, and in such a saddened state, I would not want to talk, or deal with anyone. Now, I am making peace slowly with the fact that I can’t change anything. “I love you but I have to let you be in peace. I can no longer cry, nor bother your peaceful journey wherever your soul is. I am sorry I get sad from time to time, I just miss you. I am sorry I am trying to be happy, I feel guilty.” I do not, and should never feel guilty about moving on. I would want all of my loved ones to move on and be happy.

Death is inevitable, we forget this. We never want to see someone leave. Especially when it’s a child, let alone our own. It is out of the norm, and all of the dreams, hopes, and expectations we had planned come crashing down. We would give anything, removing any expectations to get a moment of time back. But what have many parents done while their children were alive? Did you yell at them for misbehaving? Did you punish them for not getting straight A’s. Were you harsh because they disobeyed you? Would you feel guilt about these things? Can you recall all of the loving times, putting aside the negatives? Or do the negatives outweigh the good times?

Enough about tragedies, they are a part of life, how you cope with them is your choice, at the end of the day, there is "right here, right now." Let’s get back to this sofa analogy. If you were my friend, would it ever be fair for me to tell you: “I can’t believe you broke your neck. How reckless of you!!! I mean I fell off the same sofa and I am fine!!!” Do you think that would be a compassionate statement to make? We all experience things in life very differently. How you may respond to an event will always be different from how someone else responds. In the rush to “one up” or “justify” take a moment or two to reflect on the sofa scenario: We fell off the same sofa, but we had different outcomes. “I am sorry you are injured, is there anything I can do to help?” Would be a better response versus: “No… No way, I don't want to hear it. I fell off the same exact sofa, and I am not crippled…” Before you go that route, you are not the individual, you did not experience their fall. Something to think about especially in relationships: “I love you and I am sorry for my actions” should never be countered with “that’s not what I would have done.” 

“That’s not what I would have done” - as right as the person saying this may be, you and that person,  while you had the same fall, you had (and will forever have) different outcomes. Alas, my lesson for today, take a moment to think before speaking. While you have a valid point, so too does the other person who fell off the sofa. It is not about who is right, it is almost absurd to compare. It should be about: “Are you ok, is there any way I can help.” A quick five second breather before a response can help heal much more effectively than a 1 second rapid response comparison. This applies to many situations. I have struggled with the deaths of four children. I know an absurd amount of pain, yet i know better than to tell someone: "You're crying about 1 child?!?" And this applies to many situations. I try to practice a lot now. I know pain, but I also know that my mind makes the suffering.