Music - My Damnation and Salvation

Tonight I think I will try to release many of the deep rooted anger I hold inside. I will do so in the form of referencing lyrics from some of the music I listen to. Unsure how much time I spent this year alone listenting to music, had I to guess, about 1176 hours (49 days). This is me estimating listening to no less than 4 hours per day of music. (I actually peg it around 6-10 hours though). Music is something that I can always turn to, to express whatever emotion I am feeling at whatever moment in time. I can find that one song.

With that said, I will turn away from the typical writing, and summarize my day using lyrics to some of the songs I listened to today. Then wrap this back up with something I hope, you (the reader) can get anything positive from. 

“Thanks for Everything” by Dismantled.

I'm the one that let you in

And you walked all over me

So thanks for everything

Well, that was my mistake

And now I'll have to pay

So I'm selling all these dreams

Just so that I could stay

And watch it fade away

Into all this grey

This song I interpret as the singer needs to move on, e.g. Thank you for helping me understand reality the hard way. “There’s nothing you can do or say - to make me ever change the way I am.” I infer this was a relationship where perhaps the songwriter was forced/coerced into being someone other than himself. He may have tried to mold himself for the the other person, until he finally gave in. “Well that was my mistake, and now I’ll have to pay, so I’m selling all these dreams…” While it can be construed as cutting, or selfish, I think it’s empowering to take ahold of one’s life. (This is for myself) I often use this to reference myself trying to do for others blindly while they step on me. Family members, friends, all the same. 

Woman by John Lennon. An amazing, timeless song. Makes me angry in a strange way, yet I love this song.

“Woman, please let me explain

I never meant to cause you sorrow or pain

So let me tell you again and again and again”

While the wording is so simplistic, the song as a whole embodies such a passionate love. “Unconditional love” (something I am trying my best to understand more on that later). My inference about this song is that, this was written after the John Lennon inadvertently hurt the woman he loves. Recognizing his actions he summarized his love and apologizes letting her know he exists for her.  The song using such simple words, compiled such an awesome example of a very deep love and affection. While this is not an angry song, it angers me that at times that I can’t find such eloquent means to say “I am sorry I hurt you but I love you much more than you can ever realize. You are my world” (SD)

Alas, on to the anger, and sadness - what I initially sought to write about. These songs whenever I hear them always have a profound impact on me, most if not all are depressing. I will snip a lyric, so you can see why, and I can explain how some corrupted my thought process. Hopefully I will allow my anger to die down after today. I will certainly do my best to do so.

Lost Signal - Quicksand Effect:

I'm sorry I was ever here / Erase me from your memories

Please don't cry for me / I’m only bleeding

I'm sorry I can't dry your tears / Forget that I existed

It's just too late for me / I’m only bleeding

This song is possibly in the top three most depressing songs I’ve ever heard however, it has helped me think thoroughly about the paths I walk on right now. I have been down some dark roads in life, but I was on my darkest road while listening to this, and this helped me make a decision to take a long drive (1600+ miles to be exact - I will explain more later).

While it placed me where I needed to be, this song is one of the songs I need to say goodbye to this song. The lyrics alone could make the happiest person sad. My inference? Something happened to the writer that made him feel the his life was so ominous, he wrote a song to say his last goodbye. Been there, won't look back

Forever - Bruderschaft

Take some solace in these words / Take notice of this place

Hollow whispers that they are / Like the wind upon my face

Just sing softly in my ear / And look at me with wonder

I will try to ease your fear / As the darkness pulls you under

This song was written as a tribute to the writer’s father who died from cancer. This song is so beautiful yet horribly depressing. As stated above, I made a 1600+ mile drive, and this song was another that put me into a dark state of mind. This song just reminds me of my son who passed away at the age of 22 years old. He was in the Marine Corps. I won’t get into how he passed away as this is simply life, nothing I can say, feel, nor do will change this situation.

Joe - Missing You

Driving round thought I saw you pass me

Rear view mirror playing tricks on me

Cuz you fade away

Maybe I'm just hallucinating

But my loneliness got the best of me

Cuz my hearts so weak…

This song was the one that broke the camel’s back. Let me explain the 1600 mile drive. Months ago I was saved by someone I love so much. Saved simply because she came into my life at the right time. You see, I was in a deep dark place where I had my vehicle running, garage closed, and I was moments away from entering the car and calling it a day. All of the songs listed above did not help me, yet they do now to a degree. They assisted in bring me to a dark place because rather than take a moment to focus that life will be whatever it wants to be, I focused on the “me… Why me!!!” I allowed them to shape my thoughts into negativity. Very dark negativity. Yet right now, I am listening to these songs tonight and I am thankful, but only a little sad. I am thankful for meeting my salvation, yet sad I hurt her. This song when I hear it, reminds me of my son, and her.

So let me explain the unconditional love comment, because of the amount of things I have endured, it had become my nature to be skeptical of everything. Akin to that game of trust, where you allow yourself to fall backwards, trusting someone would catch you… In my life, friends, family including my siblings, biological mother, father… They have all let me down, never catching me even though I’d lose an arm trying to catch them. It is this past that shaped me into who I was, skeptical and non trusting of anyone. This is not fair to anyone. I am realizing now, that this perception I have of people that makes me behave like this - I think everyone will do the same thing as others. It is this false perception that corrupted my thought process and destroyed the relationship with my beloved.

So here I am hopeful I can turn this challenging life into something positive. There is after all, some things that no one can mold, change, nor take away - my hopes, my dreams. So one of these days, I will be right back with her (hopefully), and I can stop being skeptical and just smile. Smile because she loves me and I love her, and throughout all the ups and downs of life… There we are. Waking up to another beautiful day that we can both mold into our own memory. Dreamy? Darn right it is.

So let’s end this with a song that makes me smile and teary eyed...  (So cheesy no?)